Let the Words of My Mouth

My mom always says, "God has a plan."  To be honest, it gets a bit annoying when you have heard it over and over again, especially when you feel there is no direction in sight.  It's never easy trusting what you can't see.

I remember pulling away from the Red Warehouse in Flint, New York after saying goodbye to my dearest friend since elementary school.  We were all crying and I knew my life would never be the same again.  Boy was I right.

In August of 1992, I packed up all of my belongings and made the 800 mile trip with my parents to Lee College in Cleveland, TN.  I was miserable.  I didn't want to leave home.  I didn't want to leave my boyfriend.  I didn't want to leave everything I had ever known.

Those feelings didn't change for several months.  I remember crying myself to sleep on many occasions.  I had met a lot of nice people, but I just didn't feel like I fit in.  I felt like the most misunderstood yankee in the southeast.

I prayed hard.  I wasn't sure what I was praying for, but I knew that if God indeed had a plan, I needed to be talking to him regularly so he wouldn't forget me.  My day-to-day felt the furthest from a plan that I could imagine.  In fact, it felt more like a train wreck.

Isn't God funny?  We sit around stewing ourselves into a fit about "his will" and all along, he is carefully laying bricks as if to say, "Hey dummy!  Over here!"  I would like to say this is the one and only time that I fought with faith, but unfortunately, it happened over and over.  I think I have it figured out.  I think I have a better plan.  I think I know what's best.  All along he sits back and says "I have a plan."

I still live in Cleveland, TN and pay many visits to my alma mater.  Today was different though.  There's something about "coming home" that makes you remember why you called it home in the first place.  It was the first time that all four of us have attended Homecoming.  It was a perfect afternoon.

As we walked back to the car after the game, a flood of memories hit me like a ton of bricks. It is, in essence, my birthplace.  I was born as an infant in Sodus, NY, but I became an adult somewhere between Church and Ocoee Street in Cleveland, TN.

New friends.
Heartbreaks.
Celebrations.
Renewal.

At the end of each chapel service we would recite Psalms 19:14

Let the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be acceptable in thy sight
Oh Lord
My strength
And my redeemer

He is a redeemer, indeed.

Terabithia

I remember the first time I read the book.  We lived in an old house across the road from my church.  We only lived in that house for a short time, but I have many foundational memories there, nonetheless.  One of the things I adored about that house was my bedroom.  I romanticized it as to the likes of the bedroom from The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.  It was small, but magical.

The house was just down the street from Flint Creek.  I remember reading the adventures of Jesse and Leslie and envisioning my own magical kingdom just over the rushing waters into a lush forest of make believe.  It was such a dream to be transported to a place where you always felt enchanted.

“It wasn't so much that he minded telling Leslie that he was afraid to go; it was that he minded being afraid. It was as though he had been made with a great piece missing - one of May Belle's puzzles with this huge gap where somebody's eye should have been. Lord, it would be better to be born without an arm than to go through life with no guts.”

Many books later, I still find myself fascinated with the story of childhood friendship.  It was my first view of how something you love, that makes you feel so real, can be taken from you in a heartbeat.  I truly believe it built a foundation in me to cherish everything you love.

“Sometimes it seemed to him that his life was delicate as a dandelion. One little puff from any direction, and it was blown to bits.” 


Because you never know what tomorrow brings, I am thankful for the life and breath these ladies have given me.

The Defender of the Universe

The Opinionater

The Philosopher

The Thinker

The Giver

The Caretaker

The Prayer Warrior

The Smiler

The Balancer

Not pictured:  The Entertainer, The Cryer, and The Pleaser

"Now it was time for him to move out. She wasn't there, so he must go for both of them. It was up to him to pay back to the world in beauty and caring what Leslie had loaned him in vision and strength."

We are not the best.  We are not even close to the best.  But together, we are something pretty special.

I believe I have found my Terabithia, magic and all.

Signed, 
The One Who Falls Out of the Hammock

“Sitting in cold wet britches for an hour was no fun even in a magic kingdom.” 

*All quotes from Katherine Patterson's Bridge to Terabithia.

it hurts

Feelings are tough.  It's an uncomfortable place for me.  I think thats why I like writing.  It gives me a place to say it and leave it.  It has been my experience that if I tune in to the acuteness of my feelings, I become overwhelmed with the hundreds of feelings that didn't get that attention in the first place.

There is a risk taker in me.  Its the part of me that sees the sign above and wants to explore beyond the rail.  I see the picture below and want to do a full swan dive into the blue water.

Thats the complication of feelings.  I find it hard to tune into raw emotion on something and ignore all of the other things that surround it.  I just want to dive in and suffer the consequences.

I have been blessed with a once a year "reckless abandon" with the safest players in town.

The stats are impressive.

14 years
13 girls
6 states
33 kids
18 marriages (Yep...you do the math)
25 degrees earned

In short, we are moms, wives, doctors, educators, professionals, and counselors. We are shy, funny, opinionated, and practical.  We cook, clean, write, run, and bike.  I will dedicate some writing on their individual beauties at a later date, but simply amazing describes them all.

They are my safe place.  Dive in.

Harvest Moon

I can't help it.  I'm sure the name has something to do with it, but it's not the only reason.  It's not even the main reason.  I'm not really clear why I bear its name, since I was born in March, but its my name.  Its as if the season pulls on my soul in a way that is so organic.  My heart rises and sets with each day of the harvest.

"Harvest Moon" by Neil Young has always been one of my favorite songs.  There's something about the idea of falling in love while the air turns crisp and the days start to shorten.  I have fallen in love during the fall many times.  Most recently, the carefree spirit of a blue-eyed little girl has sent my heart into orbit.

The original theme was a luau, but as the date loomed closer, she grew more and more unsettled with the idea.  Its hard to imagine which came first, the planner or the plan, but she has definitely inherited the gift and curse of event coordination.

"I think it will be too cold for luau clothes."

"I don't think my friends will get it."

"I don't like that kind of music."

When the time came to commit to her birthday party theme, she came back quite certain.  "I just want to hang out with my friends in the backyard."

 What a perfect thing to do on a brisk October night.

She started with the menu.  Of course, everything she selected had a person attached to it.  She wanted Mamaw's pigs in a blanket and Heather's chili.  We dedicated an entire weekend to shopping for the details.

Hourglass soda bottles
Individual popcorn holders
Journals and pencils made out of bark for each of her guests
Lantern lights for the tree

It was the first weekend that really felt like fall.  Lily girl gathered her nearest and dearest girlfriends and celebrated the season as if she was named after it.

At the end of the night, her oldest friend, Fred, remained and I eavesdropped on their giggles in the bed.

I cherish her.  Every single second.

“Autumn...the year's last, loveliest smile.” 
― William Cullen Bryant

~ao

Daydream Believer

I remember the night so vividly. I wasn't feeling quite right and I knew I had felt that way before.  Robbie was out of town and Tate was sleeping. I knew the time was right to find out for sure.

I was scared to death.

I already knew the answer before the test results showed. Tate was not even one yet and I was far from a master mother. I was more scared to tell Robbie. I felt like a pregnant teenager about to tell her parents. I knew he was going to flip out.

As I was processing through how to tell him, I heard some noise from Tate's room. I quickly shoved the test in a drawer and ran upstairs to check on him. He was standing in his bed crying and as soon as I picked him up, I knew we had another "first". He was burning up with a 104 fever.

I was scared to death.

I jumped in the car to head to the ER. My head spun around with absolute panic. Another baby? 104 temp?

I'm sure I was quite a sight as I walked into the hospital covered in vomit, sweat, and tears carrying my sick boy. Robbie came running in from his recruiting trip and we rushed back for tests. After what seemed like days, Tate's fever came down, he fell asleep and we sat in the hospital room staring at each other.  I knew it was time to tell him. 

I was scared to death.

My pregnancy was easy. No sickness. No pain. No exhaustion. Labor was easier. She entered this world with such ease the doctor barely made it. 

I should have known what kind of girl she was going to be from the time we had together as one. Many nights I would lay in the bed singing a song to her. "Cheer Up Lilybean.  Oh what can it mean to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen."  

I sang that Monkees song to her as a baby. The first line is my favorite, "Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings of the bluebird as she sings."  I'm not sure which came first, my singing of the song or the free spirit of my La-La Lily, but it is clearly a song for her.  She makes all my fear go away. 

She is divine. 
A learner.  
Story writer. 
She is spirited. 
Music Lover
Contagious Laugher
She is sweet. 
Card maker. 
Love giver. 

She is our Lily Bean!  Happy 8th Birthday to the breath of our family!


ao

A Day Fit for a Bean

The alarm went off at 6:30 this morning. Two pieces of my heart loaded the car and headed north on 75 to Lexington.

Several hours later, I heard her footsteps running down the stairs and girls' day began.  She was already dressed for the day and asking a million questions. When? Where? Why? How?  I know there will be a day when her excitement fades. This fact alone gets my feet on the floor several minutes before my mind wants to.

We loaded up Rae for a birthday party shopping day. She had her theme. She had her list, but the first item on her agenda was the music.  To my delight, Dave Matthews Band soon was playing on the radio and we headed to the mall.

A day fit for a bean is a real treat.

She smiles like me.
She slouches like me.
She plans like me.
She daydreams like me.
She loves like me.

A Rae Ride. Milkshakes. Matching Spider Web Toes. Shopping for the Perfect Party Outfit. A Coke and a Smile. Pretzels and a Movie on the Couch.

Day 8:  Soda Saturdays

#howsweetitis

We rode home in silence. The sound of pure comfortable joy.

Moments

Life is filled with moments. Moments that take your breath away.  I have to admit it doesn't happen to me often. I live most of my days keeping my breath safe and secure.

It's not about the win.  It's not about the crowd. It's not about the rivalry. These things all matter but for me, it's that ONE moment that you stop and it feels the world around you is in slow motion.

I stood near the end zone in my red cowboy boots waiting for the game to start.  The band and the cheerleaders lined up, the student section screamed, and the team huddled. It was at that moment the film reel slowed to an almost halt and I thanked The Lord above for giving me this gift.

Day 7:  Blue Raiders

#believe

It's a great day to be a Raider!