I’ve had this weekend marked on my calendar. Every time I came across it, I took in a deep breath. Truth is, even oxygen can’t prepare you for this range of emotion.
Change isn’t easy and to be honest, the past few months have been hard. I have found myself in tough situations and needing mama’s advice. Quite simply, there is absolutely nothing like the soothing comfort of your mama.
I had a breakdown in the doctors office yesterday. Seems there is a plot twist in this life with a Lord who has a great sense of humor. Apparently I have gallstones and had a meeting with my surgeon this week to have my gallbladder removed. This with the upcoming anniversary of mom‘s passing from gallbladder cancer came to me all at once in the doctors office and I became a blubbering idiot. In one of my pitiful pleas to my husband, I said, “I just need my mama.”
Take the day.
Buy the shoes.
Eat the cake.
That’s what mama said. As early as I can remember, she always encouraged me as a young mother to take time out for myself and enjoy life. She knew the demands of work, wife, and family far too well. She didn’t just say it, she lived it. So much so that we made a shirt the summer after her diagnosis to promote the lessons we had learned from her.
Take the Day.
In classic form, as today approached I kept thinking about what to do. The weather wasn’t cooperating with chances of showers all day long. My vision of riding with a convertible top down or hiking at Goforth Creek quickly diminished. So I decided to try something totally new.
No agenda. No expectations. Just a day.
If you know anything about me, you know I’m a planner. If you knew my mother, you know why. The idea of having no plans is foreign to me. I just don’t quite know how to do it. Apparently neither do my people as evident in the number of times Robbie asked me what we were going to do.
When I woke up this morning, I was hoping I would be ready to jump out of bed for a day adventure. Instead I just wanted to lay in the bed, cuddle with my pups, turn my phone off, and wait until Monday arrived. I finally talked myself into a shower and we decided to head to Chattanooga with our best dog Max. Turns out all I needed was a good steak, sunshine, and a patio at the Daily Ration.
Of course my day had to involve good food and the people I love. As I sat there on the patio, I tried to remember when a good lunch with good people became therapy for me. It’s hard to trace it back. My entire life has been built around being with those you love and enjoying great food. Some of my most fond memories are with my mom in the kitchen as she made me stir the chocolate chip cookie batter so that she could prepare multiple dozens to deliver to friends and family. I remember many times talking about boyfriend troubles, friend drama, school challenges and all of the other things that teenagers struggle with. It seems she tricked me. I guess I opened up because I didn’t realize that I was bearing my soul while I was helping her in the kitchen.
Eat the Cake.
Our next stop was pivotal in our day adventure and we found ourselves headed to the Frothy Monkey for some dessert. Mama believed there wasn’t much that couldn’t be cured by some flour and sugar. I have to be honest, the past few years have brought more challenges than I would like to recollect. The sheer reality of those challenges made me reflect on how drastically our lives have changed. The dynamics of our family are ever changing and it was quickly evident our lives didn’t work the same without mama. She was my go-to...the voice on the other end of the phone who always knew what to say and would reassure me in my faith and love for my life. I have found myself wrestling with the new me - the woman who has to find a new voice in her life. I never had to “open up” with mom. She knew when I was hurting and exactly what to say. I miss her guidance more than anything. As my slice of lemon cake arrived, I could hear mama’s voice “Auts, one should never waste calories on a dessert with fruit. Save them for the chocolate.”
Buy the Shoes.
Our last stop was Academy Sports for me to buy a pair of turf shoes. I am 100% certain, these are not the kind of shoes mama was talking about. But it was shoe shopping nonetheless. As we finished our cake and prepared for our final destination, I looked down at Max and noticed he had started to shake. We quickly realized he was about to have a seizure. So instead of shoe shopping, we found ourself racing back to Cleveland to take Max to our vet. {For those Max lovers out there, he is resting comfortably at Taylor Animal Hospital overnight and has been seizure free tonight}
It wasn’t the way I planned it, but today was perfect. I didn’t get to “buy the shoes”, but I ended the day comforting our family pet of 14 years. It reminded me of the day mom passed. We were driving through Ohio when we got the call. As I heard my dad’s words through the phone, I heard my daughter start to cry in the back seat. Robbie immediately pulled over for me to climb in the back seat with her. I instantly went into mom-mode and held my broken-hearted 12 year old. At that moment, I wasn’t Paulette’s daughter. I was Lily’s mom.
I will never be half the woman she was. The profound impact my mother had on this world never ceases to amaze me. She was a pastor’s wife and secretary who changed this big world with her faith, her love, and thousands of chocolate chip cookies.
Tomorrow I will spend the anniversary of her death the only way she would want me to...on the softball field with my daughter. And coincidently we’ll be wearing red.
#teamred #april13th
